He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
