im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
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Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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