i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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