also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
