FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
