just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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