You were right. It hurts to walk today.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
