Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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