My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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