you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
