There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
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Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
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I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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