Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
