ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
