omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
