it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
it hurts more in the daytime
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
