The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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