Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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