he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
