If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
