just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
