turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
