Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
