You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
