I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
