Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
