if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
