life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
