I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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