I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
