everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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