I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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