my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
