So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
it's like iHOP with fire
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
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You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
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Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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