My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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