I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
