girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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