There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
