I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
