Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I want to make a zoo with you.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
