i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
your like the ambassador to my penis.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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