My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you had me at cake vodka
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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