I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
