my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
So here I am, sexting at work.
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