Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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