Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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