Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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