We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
