please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!