this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Boobs are out for the taking
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
