I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
