I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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