Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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