Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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