First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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