New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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