Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
